These images were taken with a Yashica Electro 35. I really love this camera, the body is beautiful. It even has two lights that tell you if you're over or under exposed.  This is a brilliant feature considering the camera was made decades ago. Before digital and even before shooting on "auto", you had to be pretty good at pairing the correct shutter speed and f-stop. Out of 36 images, I only had two that were underexposed. 

A few images from my first roll of film....

So did they deserve you?

Did he, did any of them, deserve you? I mean it's true that you might have deserved attention, you might have deserved a night out, but what about them? Did they deserve you and your energy and your time? Had they worked to be with you, to earn a place in your heart?

I think you deserve a man who isn't afraid of you, and who isn't afraid of everything that brought you pain, and who will face that pain with you, no matter how ugly it is....

--Asha Bandele

 

 

I love film. I can't describe how I feel when I view images from a processed roll of film. I tried to label it, but couldn't. Basically, delayed gratification feels better than instant...

At age 14, I read Les Miserables. I was so intrigued by the behavior of the characters, I finished it in two days. My 14 year old mind was entertained by the compassion, lies, and corruption. I couldn't put the book down and was disappointed at the last page. Not because I wasn't pleased, but because I was finished.

At 18, I was extremely excited when I heard there was movie. But, I couldn't tell you anything about the movie or its characters. I walked out before it had even played 10 minutes on the screen. I didn't like the way they changed an exchange between Jean Valjean and the priest regarding the stolen silverware. 

Whenever I watch a period piece, my mind tries to find similarities between the past and present regardless of the movie being fact or fiction. In life, progression from past to present can be easily seen in style of clothing, technology, and certain liberties given to certain people. 

For most, humans think we've changed because we no longer dress the same. We think we've changed because segregation isn't so obvious. We think we've change because certain people can vote. But, if you think about the most basic drives in human behavior...you'll see similarities in people from the 1400's and people today. You'll see the same fear, jealousy, and deceit. You'll also see the same compassion, forgiveness, and love.

The saying "there's nothing new under the sun" is so ridiculously true. And while I dislike being the bearer of bad news, humans haven't changed. We've made advances in medicine and technology...but we've remained the same essentially. However, it does feel good to feel like were progressing. I'm one who hopes that one day the shift will be so great, change is inevitable. But, even while typing that, I was uncomfortable. Change is usually difficult or takes some adjusting. For humans, change might involve disagreement, conflict, rebellion, and maybe even lost lives. 

I think true change and evolution will occur when egos subside. I think change will occur when people are comfortable believing things their parents didn't believe or teach them. Of course, written words are easier than actual actions. My ego annoys and angers me at times. Sometimes it stifles, welcomes fear, and continues habitual actions that no longer serve me. Sometimes, convincing myself of something I was never told or taught as a child is difficult. I guess even in this, there's nothing new under the sun. I'm human. I guess all we can do is continue this path the best way we know how. I grateful for optimism, it was a necessary gift given to the human race. 

I recently watched a show where a young man had a chemical imbalance that caused him to be addicted to sex. Part of his brain was "over-active" and his DNA made him naturally inclined to exhibit this behavior and act on impulsive, almost "uncontrollably". He knew that his behavior was excessive but still couldn't seem to control himself. He was then given what I think was a dopamine suppressor that controlled his behavior. 

I've thought about this a lot. By this, I mean chemicals and how they influence behavior. I do know that part of how we behave is due to environmental factors. But, I wonder how much our DNA and brain wiring influence our behaviors socially, emotionally, or mentally. 

Of course, most of us know the difference between right and wrong...but it seems that chemical imbalances can cause impulses that seem difficult to control by some. For example, a young woman who cant stop pulling out her own hair (Trichotillomania). It's equally an impulse like someone who constantly craves sex, right? 

This leads me to question fairness and morality. Those who are more chemically balanced than others will find it easier to be "morally correct". Some who are imbalanced might find it difficult to abide by social norms and rules. Science even says that most pathological liars have a chemical imbalance or faulty wiring of the brain. Science also explains how chemicals allow some animals to be monogamous while others can't. So, when do personality characteristics stop being faults or "sins" and become acts of nature? Basically, some are dealt what seems to be a bad hand. Chemicals could also explain why we're attracted to certain people, even a certain sex. They even explain why some feel more deeply and passionately, while others feel almost nothing.

I am aware that some are simply devious and choose to lie, steal, and cheat regardless of science. I'm also aware that many are who they are... chemically, physically, socially, emotionally...entirely. I believe it takes discipline to change who we are, if changing is even truly possible. I recently had a conversation with a friend who said, "people don't really change, they just add alterations". Sometimes, I think change is simply suppressing or covering up. Sometimes, I think change is real. 

We invented rules, suggestions, and religious commandments. All with the hopes of making us respect our own lives and the lives of others. Then we become angry with ourselves when we fall short. We become angry with others when their shortcomings hurt us. In essence, people are judging something God created and then blaming the human who cant seem to control what God did.