i love food, tremendously. in the act of loving it, i also used it as a distraction or a tool for suppression. food is so powerful, one can use it to hide or ignore emotions and feelings that need addressing. emotions are like air-filled balloons that a person tries to hold under water. as a child i was very emotional. i think it frustrated my mother who had no idea what to do. i had all these bright red balloons of emotions floating at the surface. i think eventually i grew tired of them as well and started to submerge them. at least then, no one else could burst or disrupt them...

...funny story about "hurt feelings". you know how you get that sore lump in your throat when you cry? as a kid, i thought those were my "feelings". when someone made me cry or hurt my feelings, I'd rub that part of my throat and say, "you're making my feelings hurt." kids are brilliant....

...back to the food....i pretty much eliminated almost everything i love to eat. in the process i also added most of the things my body needed. because pain and illness are exhausting, this change was necessary for me. in addition to healing my body, i realized a lot. when i couldn't eat things that pleased me emotionally, i was left with nothing and everything if that makes any sense. i had to actually ask myself, "what do I really need right now" or "what am i feeling". one particular day i experienced a huge release. coupled with being hormonal, i found myself crying at random intervals of the day while eating veggies. sometimes the slightest thing could set me off and emotions were released. since i couldn't eat certain things to make me "happy", feelings were allowed to surface on their own, without my permission. 

if you're craving food when you're not hungry, chances are you might be suppressing something. many of us are lonely, sad, uninspired, or feel unloved. it's amazing what we as humans are capable of hiding from ourselves, the thinker of our own thoughts. also, "the most deceptive and misunderstood feeling is boredom. it is often other feelings in disguise." (Calvin Banyan)

emotions are resilient...they don't fade or disappear. they'll show up eventually. they are actual energy created by the mind. don't be deceived. once created, they exist. if they're not expressed, they'll reside in your body, your cells, and your organs. they even alter the energies around your body. think about how magnificent that is. your brain creates and recalls emotion based on your interpretation of an event. what's tricky is that the sub-conscious mind might recall an emotion, place it with a "familiar" situation based on your interpretation despite the fact that the two don't really go together. this leads to reacting to situations instead of responding to them. 

food isn't the only distractor. some of us puff, sip, have sex, work too much, get into relationships, or find anything in the vicinity to distract ourselves from ourselves. sometimes, i think it's even worse for men. they seem to suppress so much, they've become these beautiful bodies...stoic and void of emotions and feelings. 

remember, emotions are lovely even when they're ugly. we're capable of expressing, letting go, and giving ourselves what we need to move forward...

and this is something to ponder: since America has a serious problem with obesity what does that imply? besides the fact that most of our food is garbage, what are the emotional implications of our country being so fat? what are we missing as a nation? what arent we addressing?...

 First, I'd start by feeding people properly...

• Good food would be more accessible and less expensive. 
• Certain additives would be banned, as well as genetically modified foods. Many of the things in the American food supply are so unhealthy, they're banned in Europe. Even worse, many food companies are also chemical companies. The corporate bigwigs would probably NEVER eat the food they push to the general public. They're like drug dealers who supply drugs they'd never ever try. 
• Organic and locally grown foods would be highly encouraged. People would be educated on how to properly feed their children and families.  What's really sad is that most obese people have no real idea as to why they're obese. Of course they know they shouldn't eat certain foods but they're completely uninformed of healthier alternatives. Some people have no idea why little girls are growing breasts at the age of 9. Some aren't even aware that what you put in your body creates a chemical reaction with the potential to alter your mood, mental stability, mental health, and even the ability to reproduce. With that being said, anyone can see that there's the potential to control people with food the same way some governments control the impoverished with debt. 

Next, I'd educate people...

• Basically, education would be free. 
• Students shouldn't have to go into debt just to receive an education of somewhat antiquated knowledge that is sometimes useless by the time they graduate. Later in this post you'll see how I feel about debt and how it controls.  
• Of course people have to want to be informed or educated. I think this desire can be created. The sensationalism used to create hype about pointless things that don't enhance our lives could also be used to create hype about things that do. Instead of hyping celebrities or trends we'd hype education, information, and things that actually improve our standard of living. 
• News and media would expose the truth. Right now, there are about 3 major news conglomerates that control, filter, and censor the news before it reaches us. They basically let us know what they want us to know. Many times it's not the entire truth. A lack of news also allows certain governments to commit atrocities against other nations. They can create news and stories that make us look like saviors or victims when really we're possibly destroying or victimizing. America lives in a blissful bubble of ignorance about other cultures and countries. Many Americans believe we live in the greatest country on Earth. It's a silly opinion because most of us have never even been to another country. And taking a cruise to the Bahamas doesn't count...
• Traveling would be highly encouraged. You learn about life and compassion when you learn about other people and cultures. It's easy to hate or judge someone you don't know...

Money wouldn't matter...

• To rid the world of poverty, I'd probably get rid of the monetary system. Most impoverished countries owe a ridiculous debt to another country. If you really think about it, poverty means someone's life is less important than money. It means they can't afford the resources they need to live. Wanna know why our current system doesn't work?....
  • Poverty can be considered a form of warfare, control, or theft. You can control or keep a country submissive by withholding food and medical care. This is very profitable for wealthy countries who'd like to take advantage of the natural resources of poorer countries. If you keep a man hungry or sick, he or she has little or no time to fight for civil or basic human rights. They also have no time to educate themselves or evolve as people. 
  • The monetary system also breeds and encourages corruption and greed. As long as money exists...people, politicians, votes, laws, and rights can be bought.
  • The current monetary system will ALWAYS leave someone in debt. In order for our monetary system and economy to work, someone usually owes someone else. Banks make money by loaning money to people who don't have money. Sometimes banks loan money they don't even have. The system creates an imaginary supply and charges interest on it. Debtors are basically paying to use something the creditor never really had. 

Healthcare would actually heal and be accessible...

• Pharmaceutical companies would have a complete overhaul. I think the scientists are useful but need redirecting. Instead of creating medicine from chemical compounds that have serious side effects, they'd research botany and use that knowledge to heal people. 
• We'd discover ways of diagnosing imbalances within the body due to a lack of certain vitamins and minerals. It's my belief that many of the foods we eat today are creating the imbalances that allow certain diseases and illnesses to manifest. For example, consuming meat can compromise the pancreas. When the pancreas is weakened, cancer can exist within the body. Not eating meat is one reason a vegetarian is less likely to manifest cancer. 
• Alternative forms of medicine would be available and people would be aware of its existence and availability. Reiki, energy work, distance healing, hypnotherapy, massage, acupuncture, herbs, Chinese medicine, sound healing, chakra balancing, meditation, yoga, homeopathy, and nutritional based therapies would all be forms of legitimate medicine. People would be encouraged to seek healing from these forms of treatment first. Traditional medicine would be an untraditional last resort. 
• "Doctors" would be people who actually love to heal. They'd actually ask people about their personal lives and emotional states when deciding a plan of action for healing. 
  • Many people are sick or ill from emotional issues that cause energy blockages within the body. I know about this first hand. In the same way that too much stress can cause heart problems, another emotional state of being can create an illness. For example, many women with reproductive issues usually have suppressed emotions or creative blocks. Some women who live an affluent lifestyle but don't feel they're getting the love or attention they deserve develop a specific set of illnesses as well. Basically, the propensity to develop an illness isn't totally attributed to genetics and DNA. Some develop illnesses because of the environment in which they were raised or certain cultural beliefs and practices of a particular group of people. 

Religion would not exist ...

• A lack of religion will allow people to truly develop a relationship with the Creator without fear. People will be able to take back their creative power. I don't mean creative in an artistic sense, I mean creative in the sense of building the lives we want to live. This is something I'm still practicing. Imagine if people felt worthy and powerful in divine sense. This planet would be amazing! We wouldn't have to put our faith in a middleman (preacher, pastor, reverend, bishop) to reach God or the source. We wouldn't have to go to church to learn something we already know. We wouldn't have to go to church to be convinced of something that isn't entirely true. In our core, in our hearts, deep in our soul...we can feel when something isn't right. I felt it as a child when adults made up illogical beliefs and concepts. It literally made my stomach hurt. 
• Fear and control would be greatly reduced. Control comes in the from of rules and "commandments" activated by fear. Don't have sex, refrain from drinking certain things, don't do this, and don't do that. Cover your hair with this, pray 5 times a day facing a certain direction, give the church 10% of your income, make the preacher rich, don't forget to go to church, do some hail Mary's, baptize your children so they don't go to hell, and don't forget to cut off the foreskin from your son's penis immediately after he's born! What the hell!? I love sex (orgasms are actually healing), I drink fermented beverages, instead of tithing I donate to a non profit, I don't go to church and I love men with uncut penises! I'm still a lovely person. I love life and this planet. I feel close to a divine source and I don't fear what's to come after my soul leaves this temporary body. It's liberating.
• The number of wars and lives lost due to religion is probably unfathomable. Religious beliefs have young men attaching bombs to their bodies and blowing up buses filled with innocent people. Religious beliefs allowed Southern Christians to justify hanging negroes from trees. Some call it blind faith.  
• Believing we need religion to establish and teach morals greatly undermines our potential and capacity to be decent human beings. We can be respectful, law abiding people without biblical commandments. After all, most atheists aren't murderers while some religious people have taken the lives of many in the name of God.

And last but not least, the Planet would be respected...

• This particular feat isn't last because of its importance. It's last because in order for people to really understand the importance of our survival as a species on this planet, all the aforementioned things need to be a common practice. People need to have access to food, medicine, education, and their own God given power for this planet to survive. It's hard to care about the planet when you're starving, sick, or living a life full of fear and lack. 
• Other forms of life would be respected. Cutting down rainforests simply wouldn't happen. Cutting down huge areas of trees for new shopping malls and parking lots would be carefully considered and scrutinized. But, given how fabulous my world would be, there would be very few shopping malls and parking lots :) After all, the need to constantly consume and purchase things we don't really need is sometimes a symptom of an emotional need or void. 
• Oil production wouldn't be such a production. I believe humans are smart enough to harness and use cleaner sources of energy. Cleaner sources exist but people aren't sure how to capitalize on them. So what happens? We continue to use what isn't really working because someone figured out how to make it profitable. 
• Abundant forms of energy would be utilized. Solar, wind, tidal wave, and geothermal energy are in such abundance its kinda ridiculous that we're not using them on a larger scale. They don't deplete and these resources are so abundant and could create so much supply that one would be led to believe that money would no longer be necessary...
• Imagine a world without currency. People work for money. If you didn't have to work, what could you create? How much time could you spend raising your family? You could travel, learn, and meet difference people from different places. People could gather and discuss ways of advancing life and technology. What kind of art would this world see? Some assume that if people didn't work, they'd sit around and be lazy bums. I disagree. If you consider a world with all the things I just mentioned, I think most people would be enlightened enough to want to contribute to the evolution of this planet in a meaningful way. Doing menial tasks that you don't enjoy just to obtain a made up currency is draining. It depletes a person of vital energy they could be using to create and bring ideas into physical form. How many people are brilliant but lack the resources, tools, or knowledge needed to benefit the world with their ideas or creations? The idea that money creates abundance is one of the biggest illusions of the entire human experience. In fact, I think money has done just the opposite. For most of the population, it creates invisible barriers that allow control, limitations, and slavery without chains.

I know these ideas seems outlandish and ridiculous for some. But, I think most are possible. If we collectively believe in something, it's entirely possible. The human mind is malleable and impressionable. If Hitler can justify and convince millions that a certain race of people shouldn't live, imagine the opposite. People could be convinced of lovely concepts that enhance life. We could change the way we live, think, believe, and grow. 

when the earthquake stopped i ran outside. everything was shifted to the left in a circular fashion. imagine the city being on a huge lazy susan...that's essentially how everything shifted. the shift was less than 90 degrees, maybe it was about 40. when it stopped, everything lined up differently. of course this was logical in the dream.  some people were amazed that an escalator had broken because part of it had shifted to the left. even the sidewalks no longer matched up. people got a general feeling that the earth's axis had changed. i was angry because i knew scientists were informed of this change but hadn't told the general public. no one had time to really prepare. oddly, i had an understanding that no one was hurt and no lives were lost, things were just different. i also got a feeling that things would never be the same and the change meant we were approaching a huge shift. 

i decided to call my older sister. i was surprised to get a signal because i thought everyone would be calling someone. the call went to voicemail and i hoped she was okay. after the call i got the feeling that some people weren't really amazed about what had just happened. i had a strange excitement about the future but i think some people just wanted it to be over because the earthquake was an inconvenience to their day. i remember seeing a bunch of cars lined up on a bridge and thinking they were lucky it didn't fall into the water...

then i woke up...

go dj!

Jacqui Star!!::David Z!!

...nothing but love.

...and it was hanging from a lovely lemon tree.

Jacqui couldn't stop dancing...

I must say, I'm so very grateful for the people in my life right now. My friends are beyond wonderful. Some days I wonder how I attracted such amazing people. They are literally my family away from family. The support and love I receive makes me happy on so many levels. I hope I give to them what they give to me. Okay,  I'll stop now before I get all gushy :)

The Center for Global Development says: In 2006, it was reported that 500 million gallons of oil—a quantity not that different from the new estimates of the Gulf leak –has been spilt in the Delta over the past 50 years. The Nigerian National Petroleum Corp estimates that some 650,000 gallons of oil were spilled in 300 separate incidents each year; other reports indicate that Shell (which is now looking to drill in the Arctic) spilled nearly 4.5 million gallons of oil into the Niger Delta in the last year alone.

 

What's interesting to me is that most news stories about this crisis will use words like "sabotage", "militants'', and "vandals" to describe the people or actions causing the oil spills. All these words remove the blame from oil companies. Major oil companies are essentially exploiting the resources of other countries and they're not sharing the wealth. Despite Nigeria's wealth of oil, many of its citizen are poor and without the resources they need to live. Some even risk their lives for a bucket of oil. In 2006 a pipeline exploded, killing 150 after a leak attracted a huge group of people. 

The oil companies run their pipelines through towns but leave them undeveloped without power, water, schools, or medical clinics. The people become upset and are essentially forced to rebel. One "militant" group in particular is seeking more. Mend, Movement for the Emancipation of the Niger Delta, is demanding that the oil companies share a greater percentage of its profits with the locals. It's sad and strange that fighting a corporation can be compared to fighting a war. Citizens are forced to gather weapons and devise tactical ways of winning their cause. 

I think some fail to realize that poverty brings out the worst in many. If you deprive a man of food or a proper way to care for his family, expect the unexpected. How do companies expect people to behave in a civil manner when they have no food or clean water?! How can you expect people to not "sabotage" your pipelines when you have a flow of money running through a poverty stricken village?! With all the oil spilled and lost, it seems it would be smarter for the oil companies to simply do the right thing. 

(Image by Jane Hahn for the New York Times) 

America and other wealthy countries do our dirty work elsewhere and import. We import from countries that arent necessarily concerned with human rights or environmental protection. We simply line up at the pump and complain when the price of petro rises above a certain point. People are dying and starving because of oil production. Some are also getting ridiculously wealthy while blantantly ignoring the poverty their wealth creates. 

It all seems so barbaric to me... the greed of oil companies. It's ironic that some of the world's most wealthy people and corporations behave like scavengers. They're basically stealing from the Earth without the gratitude or decency to care for the people whose land provide their wealth. How do corporations get away with such huge atrocities? In essence, much of America's lifestyle and comfort are gained by exploiting other countries. We live in our lovely bubbles of ignorant bliss and cheap petro while other people are literally dying in the effort to give us a higher standard of living. 

Home::A commercial he created for Ikea

I only wished it wasn't a commercial, because I wanted it to last longer. 

What Else is There::for Royksopp

Maybe I'm just being hormonal today, but I almost cried while watching this. It's like a ridiculously lovely dream.

Human:: for Carpark North

I simply love this...for so many reasons.

Im not sure when I started to believe in reincarnation, but it makes sense to me. I grew up Christian and was told that this life was the only you we're given and when you die you either go to heaven or hell. Now, whether we call it reincarnation or some kind of "knowing" of another life experience...I'm not sure which is more accurate. 

Most people believe that souls are eternal. Eternity is a looooooong time. Imagine the idea of only getting to live in one body for about 70 years and the rest of your eternity is based upon what you did for those 70 years. What could you know from that one experience? I recently read a passage in a book that said something like, Living one life and thinking you know everything there is to know about life is like eating at one restaurant all your life and believing you know everything there is to know about food. 

One of my favorite's is the story of Edgar Cayce. He was a seriously disciplined Christian who didn't believe in reincarnation. Cayce suffered from severe laryngitis and somehow described a cure for his own condition while being hypnotized. Later, Cayce channeled information to others who needed advice, many were about healing one's physical ailments. Many of his treatments addressed past life issues that somehow manifested in a person's current life. Despite his devout beliefs in Christianity, he couldn't deny the concept of reincarnation because he used past life regression to heal.

In addition to that, there are children who remember past lives. Some even remember how they died in a previous life. I've even read about people being hypnotized and fluently speaking a language they spoke in a past life. What's funny is that sometimes I speak Spanish in my dreams. It feels right and I know Im speaking it fluently. I wonder how many languages we'd be able to speak if we could tap into our subconscious mind? 

Does it help, not being able to readily access information from a past life experience? How many of us would have children if we remembered it from a past life. How many of us would get married if we could remember it from a past experience. Could we even handle so much information? It's a catch 22...an infinite catch 22. 

Afterwards I ended up in a house. I was hiding from two people. I forget who they were but one of them loved me immensely. I was on some kind of mission and if they saw me, it would be compromised. The love the person felt for me would make me want to stay. As long as they didnt see me, I could stay emotionally detached. Something invisible was directing me but I could hear its voice. I had a stick in my hand that was some kind of message or letter. I was told to walk over to a bush and throw it in. The message would be delivered to the weather....or weather God. It was a test to see how I followed directions. I passed. Afterwards, I was hiding from more family and I was directed to run a certain direction. It failed and ended up sinking down but in a floating kind of way. Something reset and rewinded like in a video game and the same scene started again. I talked to the voice directing me because I was confused about the bad directions. He told me it was merely a suggestion and that I can always choose what I want to do...

Yesterday I watched a show about a teacher who almost lost his job because he believed he saw a UFO. The university thought he was crazy and unfit to teach. Shortly after that, I watched a documentary about the world's toilet crisis. Apparently, 2.6 billion people on this planet don't have toilets. They basically walk out into an open field and defecate. 1000 children die each day from illnesses related to the water they drink. They're essentially drinking water contaminated with fecal matter. So what do UFO's and feces have in common? Well, nothing...but I'll make my point known in just a minute. 

There are those who think this planet is the only source of intelligent life in the entire Universe. There's an estimated 50 thousand million galaxies in the Universe and we live in 1. How often do you see the word thousand precede million? That's A LOT! Im hoping there's life of some form in one of those galaxies. I think some people refuse to believe it because it shakes the foundation of their religious beliefs. And for some, if the Bible doesn't mention it, it simply isn't true or does not exist. 

When I discuss this planet, I find myself having to defend the fact that Im not a pessimist. Honestly, there are times when I think humanity is hopeless. It was weird even typing that. Despite that, I find so much beauty and hope in my daily life that I appreciate so many simple things. I appreciate being able to eat and have water appear instantly when I twist a little handle. And after I eat and drink, Im able to retreat to a private place and my waste ''vanishes'' when I flush.  

So, here's my point. To those who think we humans are the only intelligent form of life in the entire universe, I pray we are not. Let's say there are 6.8 billion people living on this planet. Over a third of those 6.8 billion are pooping in fields or rivers because they dont have simple necessities like toilets. There is literally a river in India bubbling with methane gas because so many people poop in it. That's not very intelligent. This country is plagued with an epidemic of obesity. Yes, some people consume so many calories and have access to so much food that they become ill. On the other hand, there are places in the world where people die from the very opposite. There are animals in this country raised specifically for slaughter and consumption and many of them eat better than some humans living in other countries. That's not very intelligent. Okay, Im not saying humans are stupid. I am saying we have yet to figure out a way to take care of everyone living on this planet. When someone dies prematurely due to something preventable, humanity suffers. We suffer because that person is no longer able to contribute to the progress and growth of this planet. How many potentially brilliant thinkers, poets, philosophers, scientists, healers, or writers died in a poverty stricken country? 

Here's where my optimism chimes in. I think it's possible for everyone on this planet to have everything they need. If greed and debt were removed, I think this planet would be fucking amazing. We'll be truly intelligent when we can harness and use the abundant energy on this planet without harming it. We'll be intelligent when we can forgive debts and spread resources. We'll be intelligent when everyone can do simple things like eat and use a toilet. Some think that everyone having all the things they need to live is impossible. I think it's very possible and we're very capable. I believe that many are waking up to new ideas and new ways of thinking. I wish that something would catapult our thinking on a mass scale. That would make us wake up and question the way things are done. Questions are a great first step. When things are questioned, veils are dropped and we flirt with possibilities. Without questions and possibilities, we are very simple humans lacking true intelligence. 

i was in Hollywood. the sky looked a bit ominous like a storm was approaching. a co-worker decided he was leaving early because he was traveling east and the weather would probably make traffic terrible. we were standing outside and i could feel drops of water on my skin. i decided i should leave early too since I was cycling and didnt want to get caught in the rain. in my heart, something told me I should stay. we both started to leave and lightning stuck probably 20 feet in front of us. now, i say it was lighting b/c we treated the occurrence like it was lightning, but it looked like little fireballs hailing from the sky. when we both saw it, we simultaneously decided to go back to work to take cover. as we turned around to go back, there were more fireballs hailing from the sky. there was this strange tension of chaos in the air that made me panic. one fireball struck me at the top of my head and I could feel it burning. i was getting rained on as well. i put the fire on my head out with my hands. there was also water pouring from the shops on the street. It was gushing as if something was pouring water into the buildings. a building I was standing next to gushed out water and almost pushed me into the street. it didn't make sense and I thought all the buildings were about to be moved by a huge wall of water. i braced myself, i didn't know what to expect. i was in shock about the events going on because logically they didnt make sense. there was also a huge pull that wouldn't let us run back in the building as quickly as we wanted to. by that time, i was in serious shock and screaming, "what am i supposed to do!?!'' people inside the building were looking at me, none offering assistance. I guess the "storm" ended and my co-worked snatched me and pulled me inside. 

inside was a weird twilight zone of people. although it had just been hailing balls of fire, they looked like it had only been sprinkling outside. they didn't care about what had just happened. because of their "dumbing down" of the situation, i felt silly about my strong emotional outburst. i kept talking to the guy i experienced it with and as i discussed it....he too was feeling nonchalant about the events. i was even more embarrassed about my display of emotion. 

after a while, i looked out the window...everything looked peaceful in the most beautiful way. something seemed renewed. there were gorgeous green hills and the sun was breaking through the clouds. i was still afraid to go outside. then i woke up....

note: i say hollywood but only because of the context of the dream.  despite the fact that it was hollywood, none of the physical surroundings were familiar to me as I review the dream. after the storm it definitely didnt feel like hollywood. the way the sky and hills looked after the storm actually reminded me of a particular place in Switzerland...very lovely. 

he explained how some humans formulate or even define their fickle happiness. his example was this. let's say you're in a relationship with someone and you buy picture frames together. you put pictures in those frames and then hang them on the wall. if you break up with that person, you're very inclined to take the picture frames down. you no longer like the picture frames because part of your attachment to them is linked to the person you bought them with. he said our goal should be to define a happiness that isn't changeable when another person leaves our lives. he said we should also ask another how we can help them be happier instead of trying to be their happiness. i guess so that way, when the time is up for that relationship, they're still a better, happier being...with or without you. 

i think my favorite dreams are dreams where I have conversations with other people. oddly, these conversations seldom happen on this planet in the dream realm. this one ranks high :)

Junk Science

While I was in NY a few weeks ago, I snapped some photographs for the duo Junk Science. They recently released a new album, A Miraculous Kind of Machine and started their own label... Modern Shark. Check out one of my favorite songs from their latest album...

When I was a child, the news literally made me sick. My stomach would be in knots and I had an overwhelming feeling of helplessness. I remember watching the news during Desert Storm. I didnt understand why we wanted to kill each other and certainly didn't understand the point of war. My mind went even further and the thought of a nuclear war sent me to bed with a stomach ache. But, not before asking God that we didn't blow up the planet. Yes, my pre-adolescent mind went that far. I eventually realized I needed to simply leave the room when the news came on. 

As an adult, I've avoided the news and television for the most part. My main reason being the fact that it's so saturated with pessimism, fear, and half truths. I recently remembered my devastation from it as a child and put the two together. Now I'm wondering.... Do people ever really change in a significant way?  It seems the things and people we experienced as children stay with us as long as we live. Certain traumas and experiences live in our cells waiting for a moment to be expressed. Particular experiences and events cause a certain physical reaction from my body. Insecurities I had as a child are still with me as an adult. I've noticed that in others as well. Of course as an adult, I tell myself I have more control over things but am I digging deep enough for change to be significant? I tell myself I'm not bothered. But, at times I don't think I've mastered detachment, I've only become numb. For me, being numb is almost like denial in an emotional sense. You still feel it on some level but at the surface you ignore just enough to be functional. 

How much of who we are as adults stem from things we experienced as children? Realizing this was a bit heavy for me. I usually wonder about why I do the things I do and why I think the way I think. Sometimes, even when I know why, I still find it difficult to not do certain things.

Children are so fragile and impressionable. They're basically little receptacles, collecting experiences and behaviors that they'll later express as adults. How does one truly change the impact of previously experienced events so as to live without hindrance or programming?  

In the past, I've wished for a clean slate. Maybe that's the problem...so much attachment to the past which some say isnt even real. Maybe we're holding on to an illusion and allowing it to alter the present....

I believe that in some ways homosexuality is a manifestation of nature. I'm not entirely sure why or what the reasons are. What if Earth is becoming too populated in some regions? Or, consider the strain we put on this planet in the ways we live and consume. What if same-sex preference is a way to correct or balance our impact? Of course it could be something entirely different or a combination of things. I read a few articles yesterday that were intriguing. Homosexual behavior is being reported as a phenomenon in animals. Homosexual behavior has also been observed in over 1500 species in the animal kingdom. Giraffes, dolphins, whales, and manatees have all-male orgies. Even lesbian birds are hatching chicks together. So, how does one argue that homosexuality goes against nature when nature is blatantly manifesting this characteristic? Research suggests that this behavior is a "necessary biological adaption for the survival of the species". Does the same not apply to humans? I know some will argue that humans can think and should use proper judgment. Some will even throw their bibles in the mix. To that I say, how do you "fix" a gay person? Should they be expected to live a lie? Should they be expected to force an attraction to the opposite sex? Or, are they expected to live solo, lonely lives so they don't upset God or society? I think all these expectations are ridiculous and judgmental. And yes, I'm judging your ridiculous expectations if you agree that people should live this way. I think it's arrogant and ignorant that we humans deem ourselves more evolved than other animals. These animals don't often express anger, hate, and rage against other animals who express same-sex fondness. Homophobia seems to be exclusive to humans.

I believe that souls are eternal and infinite energy. I believe we experience life in these physical bodies on this particular plane. These physical bodies don’t define the energy of our souls. They are simply temporary shells that attempt to contain our soul. If you should happen to be attracted to another energy or soul with the same sexual organs...what's the big deal? These bodies are temporary! We simply use these bodies to experience this life. When we're done, the bodies fade to dust or whatever remnant you'd like to call it. At the end of the day, I believe our souls are greater and more infinite than the genders we're assigned in this particular life.

Nature is a brilliant and powerful force. Amazing things are happening and we simple humans have no idea why. We claim control over things we have absolutely no control over. Nature is a lovely, humble beast that doesn't need credit for the magnificent things manifesting in this world. They simply happen with or without our discernment. Sometimes we attempt to steal this credit by thinking we have a choice. We think we get to choose when the choice has already been chosen. At the end of the day, we'll either laugh or cry at the ridiculous rules and beliefs we placed upon our existence. I think we should simply love who we love, respect the fragility of life and emotions, and realize the power of nature even if we don't entirely understand it.